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Leaders often must address conflict, have tough conversations, or make decisions about the current status quo. These challenges are ripe for growth and innovation but can be difficult to discuss. One study (1) found that half of leaders cite difficult conversations as one of their most daunting tasks.

Tough conversations are essential to stretch the skills of a leader, develop individual growth, and strengthen team cohesion. Learn why tough conversations fail and how to ensure your difficult conversations achieve successful outcomes.

WHAT MAKES TOUGH CONVERSATIONS WORSE 

Absence of Trust 

When trust is lacking (2), conversations are more likely to encounter misunderstandings that aren’t resolved. Of course, this can lead to a vicious cycle of declining morale, more conflict, a negative impact on team cohesion, decreased engagement and productivity, and increased turnover.

A lack of trust is merely a symptom of a toxic and unproductive environment with causes rooted in the following:

  • Poor Communication – a leader who is unable to communicate effectively or who is unable to ensure people are heard and valued creates a frustrating, chaotic, and confusing workplace.
  • A Lack of Transparency – a leader who leaves employees wondering about decisions, actions, or other factors that directly or indirectly impact employees.
  • Micromanagement – a leader who controls individuals and teams, leading to resentment and frustration.
  • Favoritism – a leader who struggles to be fair and unbiased leads to a work environment of distrust.
  • Inconsistency – a leader who struggles with emotional control, fairness, and dependability to be present forces employees to be difficult, disagreeable, and seek guidance elsewhere.

Prominence of Hypocrisy

Leaders are essential to the interconnected relationships, psychological contracts, and human representation of the organization, which is why what they say and do matters. Failing to lead well isn’t just about management style. The devil is in the details, such as:

  • Expecting respect but not offering it to others.
  • Offering constructive criticism but being unwilling to receive it.
  • Being recognized for achievements but not giving credit where it is due to the individuals and team who contributed to the success.
  • Noting mistakes and failures but being unwilling to accept accountability for actions or decisions that may have led to the issue in the first place.

When people in leadership roles are hypocritical, they lack the leadership maturity to understand that success depends on the trust and respect of those around them. As a result, these leaders are often so focused on their own agendas that they lack the influence to initiate hard conversations, let alone create the change necessary to have a positive impact.

Use of Powerless Language

A 2019 study by Monster.com found that 94% of employees had encountered powerless language in the workplace. Even more concerning is that 75% of these incidents have been between leadership and a subordinate. (3)

It’s easy to tell people what they are doing wrong. It’s much harder to tell them what they are doing incorrectly and do so in a constructive manner. Leaders need to have difficult conversations so that others understand what they are doing in a way that speaks the truth but does so with kindness. Tough conversations should never contain language that makes people feel belittled, powerless, or threatened. Here are some examples:

  • Critical or harsh words, inappropriate sounds, or gestures (e.g., groaning, sighing, whistling, or body or hand motions) intended to be harassing or make someone feel bad about themselves.
  • Holding someone to unobtainable standards, especially if they haven’t had enough training, support, tools, resources, mentoring/coaching to do their job well.
  • Offensive slurs, insulting language, mocking, put-downs, and insults that intend to erode self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence.
  • Embarrassing someone in front of others by asking inappropriate or taboo questions, revealing personal information, or putting individuals in humiliating situations.
  • Threats with the intent to control, manipulate or control someone into compliance. 

Exploiting of Manipulative Tactics

Manipulation in the workplace is a problem. A survey conducted by the Society for Human Resource Management revealed that over 60% of employees have experienced some form of manipulation. What’s worse is that 70% of workers have encountered a manipulative boss and been stressed as a result, according to another survey by the American Psychological Association.

Playing games with the emotions of others may generate short-term action but can erode morale in the long term. It’s important to understand that manipulation is about control rather than doing what’s best. This is a critical differentiator when having difficult conversations. If the conversation intends to provide one side with an advantage, then there’s likely an element of manipulation involved.

Manipulative tactics can threaten the success of difficult conversations. A few ways that people are impacted by manipulation are as follows:

  • They feel obligated – They are returning a favor, agreeing to do something (even if that might be uncomfortable), or they have been put on a guilt trip.
  • They feel resentful – They are frustrated, annoyed, or irritated because of behavior patterns such as limiting earning potential, minimizing career advancements, and failing to respect boundaries or personal values.
  • They feel devalued – It doesn’t matter how much they work or contribute, what they have achieved, or what their opinion might be; there’s always (a lot) more that’s expected.
  • They feel uncomfortable – No matter what they do, there’s nothing satisfactory. They have tried different approaches, behaviors, and attitudes. Yet they are never at ease.
  • They feel blindsided – Things are constantly changing (e.g., the goals, the responsibilities, the problems, the solutions, the people, the culture, and even the emotions.) Everything is unpredictable, and they never know when they will be praised or punished.

HOW TO IMPROVE THE ODDS OF SUCCESS 

Do the homework

Fact-based conversations leave little room for interpretation. Written policies, filed grievances, attendance records, performance metrics, disputes between parties, or similar documentation make difficult conversations easier to navigate. While the conversation might not be any less challenging, having more than observations, gossip, or instinct will help prepare for an uncomfortable conversation. Be sure to include key points such as:

  • What truths do you know about the other person?
  • What are their priorities, opinions, biases, or prejudices concerning the issue?
  • What areas might they disagree, blame, deny, project helplessness, feel there were no other options, etc.?
  • What are some positives that we can both agree on?

PRO TIP: After generating the key points, AI can be exceptionally valuable in providing insights that haven’t been uncovered through ordinary channels. 

Understand the motivation

Effective communication starts when you understand what is driving you internally. Is the need for the conversation driven by power, anger, fear, envy, selfishness, or greed? Or is it compelled by a bigger purpose with the best intentions for you and the other party? When your motivation to have a difficult conversation is guided by something other than your personal agenda, feelings, or needs, it is more likely to succeed.

Minimize the stress

Leaders are a mechanism of change that often requires delivering difficult messages to others. This means that tough conversations need to be delivered clearly, openly and empathetically, and yet there must be accountability.  Through preparation and planning you can come across as more professional and objective, which will be less likely to escalate the conversation.  Consider factors such as:

  • What solutions are possible options to solve the issue?
  • What is most desired from this conversation? For yourself? For the other person? For others in the organization?
  • What questions might the other person ask?
  • What would success look like if you were able to achieve it?
  • Is there a way you can measure success metrically? If so, what does that look like?
  • What are areas that you’re willing to compromise? What are areas that you’re not?

Clarify the benefit(s)

Tough conversations come with both risks and benefits. What you say may be hard to hear and can even hurt someone’s feelings. However, difficult conversations also come with substantial benefits. Clarify which benefits apply to your difficult conversation and why:

  • Build Trust and Respect – Leaders should challenge the status quo, other ways of thinking, and differing perspectives, even if this includes disagreement. Opening the door to having tough conversations invites honesty, trust, and respect.
  • Communicate Value – Having a challenging conversation means that you care enough to address a problem, issue, or concern personally rather than through informal communication such as text, email, or word-of-mouth.
  • Uncover Blind Spots – Often, difficult conversations lead to discovering one or more blind spots. Enlightenment, awareness, or insight can be helpful to everyone.
  • Provide Growth Opportunities – Everyone has areas that need improvement, even top achievers. Performances should be challenged. Attitudes or behaviors might require adjustments to fit into new team environments or company culture shifts. There are additional opportunities to learn and further develop both personally and professionally. This isn’t just valuable to individuals, but it helps improve resilience.
  • Shift to Mentoring/Coaching– Developing people is a leader’s job. This means that having tough conversations is an aspect of learning and development. People become more engaged when they feel that their boss is interested in helping them succeed and takes the time to show them how.

PRO TIP: Remember, often, teams and individuals who are underperforming lack engagement because they don’t have the right tools, resources, or training. The very thing they need to engage may be you! 

Seek mutual purpose

Difficult conversations can turn into hot debates with emotions and misunderstandings. Instead of allowing negatives to overwhelm the conversation, seek to find a middle ground.

Navigate to something positive that you know you and the other person are certain to agree on.

This change in mindset shifts the conversation from one that is negative to one that is focused on proactive problem resolution, innovation, and change. Plan common ground scenarios in advance, if possible, to avoid getting caught in an emotional tug of war.

Here are a couple of examples:

  • “New customers signing on have been declining, and customer retention has been low. We both want the sales team to meet its goals. Let’s talk about how this can be done.”
  • “Production output has risen, but there has also been a significant increase in support inquiries and product returns. We both want to avoid product recalls and keep production high. Can we have an open conversation about that?” 

Lean into the discomfort

According to motivational speaker and bestselling author Simon Sinek (4), it is helpful to lean into the discomfort to prepare the other party for what is about to happen. He notes that not only does this allow the other person to take a moment, but it allows them to be less defensive. He advises using starter phrases such as:

  • “I need to have an uncomfortable conversation with you.”
  • “It’s important that we have this conversation rather than avoid it.”
  • “Please be patient with me as I get this out.”
  • “I don’t want things to come out the wrong way or be misunderstood, so please bear with me.”
  • “Can we have a difficult conversation?”

Mr. Sinek adds that getting permission to have a difficult conversation is important. This ensures that the other person is ready to have it. Sometimes you might be ready, but they aren’t in the right mindset, and another time may yield a better outcome.

Finally, he states, it is important to include FBI (Feelings, Behavior, and Impact.) It doesn’t matter about the order as long as they are all present.

For example:

“Yesterday, I noticed your email exchanges with ABC Corporation about our new product line and their forecasted system updates. In those emails, you indicated that our products could integrate seamlessly with their existing 123 system.  (BEHAVIOR). Your responses put me on edge (FEELING) because you know that testing is not fully complete, but early results demonstrate issues with 123 systems integration. ABC Corporation has been a long-standing customer of this company primarily because we have been honest with them.  I fear that unless we use the same direct approach going forward, we will lose them as a customer.  (IMPACT)

Mind your body language.

It’s likely that the person will have an emotional response. Difficult conversations often trigger the most primitive of reactions, such as:

  • Fight – anger, tightening of the jaw, crying, glaring, aggressiveness, arguing
  • Flight – fidgeting, restlessness, darting eyes, speaking quickly, moving things along, avoiding interaction
  • Freeze – pale skin, panic attack symptoms, mentally checked out, spacing out
  • Fawn – quiet or trying to avoid conflict through pleasing behaviors/actions/words

To ensure the best outcome and minimize emotional responses, start by reducing your own anxiety. Take long deep breaths before beginning any difficult conversation. Additionally, avoid having difficult conversations at the end of the day or when you are already physically or emotionally tired.

Next, watch your body language. Eye contact is important to ensure that the other person knows you are connecting with them and “present.” Your posture and facial expressions should be friendly and open. This is often reflected with open instead of crossed arms, palms up and outward, smiling, and nodding when appropriate. Watch your breathing and voice tone to keep it warm and pleasant instead of agitated or tired. While these aren’t guaranteed solutions to improve a difficult conversation, having positive body language can minimize emotional responses from other people. 

Actively listen

One of the most basic human needs is to be heard, which is why listening is critical, especially in difficult conversations. After you’ve explained your position (including your specific feelings, why their behavior concerns you, and impact), it’s vital that you listen to the other person. This will take some effort, especially if you’ve done your homework and have your facts in order. However, it is crucial to keep an open mind. Let the other person explain. Ask them open-ended questions that are intended to clarify, not judge. It could be that your facts were right, but the perception was incorrect due to missing information.

For example, you believe the latest testing on a new product launch demonstrates a system incompatibility. However, you didn’t speak directly with the engineering department about a report coming out. You might believe that someone on your sales team is giving out inaccurate information, only to discover through listening that there was a new report you didn’t know about. This new insight changes the entire perspective. 

HARD CONVERSATIONS OPEN DOORS 

Happy workplaces don’t just exist because everyone shares the same mission and vision. As challenging as difficult conversations may be, there wouldn’t be learning, different perspectives, or a way to hold others accountable without them. Workplaces that promote innovation, constructive criticism, individual and team ownership, and healthy relationships aren’t afraid of difficult conversations. Great leaders know employee engagement occurs when everyone is responsible, heard, and valued. This is why ensuring difficult conversations achieve desired outcomes is key to organizational success.

Are you looking to hold a leadership retreat or teambuilding event to help those who hold leadership positions in your company master their skills? If so, contact Gavel International to see how working with a meeting planning company can benefit your organization.

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SOURCE(S):

1 https://www.dalecarnegie.co.uk/practical-tips-for-managing-challenging-conversations/

2 https://hbr.org/2023/04/how-to-make-difficult-conversations-worse-as-seen-on-succession

3 Tepper B. J. Abusive supervision in work organizations: Review, synthesis, and research agenda. Journal of Management, June 2007, vol. 33, no. 3, p. 261–289.

4 Simon Sinek (www.simonsinek.com).  Used with permission at Gavel International’s request.  This article is not endorsed by Simon Sinek or the Optimism Company.

Jeff Richards
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