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You might have more people pleasers on your team than you think. Recent survey results showed that 50% of respondents would definitely or probably describe themselves as a people pleaser. Worse yet, 39% said it made their life harder. (1)

Since people who fall into this category prioritize pleasing others above taking care of themselves, they can easily become burned out, feel unfulfilled, and become resentful. None of these qualities lend themselves well to being a contributing member of a workplace team.

So, how do leaders successfully facilitate team building with employees who are people pleasers? First, it is important to get familiar with the negative effects these workers can have. From there, you can address them effectively.

HOW PEOPLE PLEASERS HURT TEAM BUILDING EFFORTS

On the surface, people pleasers might sound like exemplary employees. After all, what is so wrong with a worker who wants nothing more than to make you and their teammates happy? Potentially a lot, as it turns out.

In the Merriam-Webster dictionary, people pleasers are defined as “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.” (2)

Think about that for a minute. An “emotional need” is quite different from an inclination, a desire, a preference, etc. If it sounds intense, that is because it is. This driving need can override what is truly beneficial for a people pleaser’s work, teammates and the organization as a whole. An emotional need can become an obsession, blotting out reason and common sense, and turning the people pleaser into a detriment rather than an asset.

This need creates a chain reaction with fallout that can affect the team in significant ways.

Overpromising and Underdelivering

Since people pleasers cannot bear to say “no,” they will attempt to execute every task asked of them – even if it is not realistic within the confines of their role or the time given to complete it.

Not only will these employees agree to every request, but they also tend to overpromise. Wanting the approval of their manager and/or coworkers, these people will promise the moon and stars. But more often than not, these employees cannot fulfill their lofty promises because they were not realistic in the first place. People pleasers overpromise and underdeliver, which can be a problem not only internally, but also if they deal with clients.

Gaslighting and Deflecting

No one likes to have their flaws pointed out to them and this includes people pleasers. When confronted by their manager or coworkers, these employees might attempt to gaslight the other person.  A people pleaser will imply that it is the other person’s misperception and lack of gratitude that is causing problems rather than taking ownership for their part in issues due to people pleasing ways. They will likely stress that they are merely trying to be helpful and a team player, and how can anyone possibly take issue with that?

The person who confronted them might end up feeling flabbergasted, confused and like the people pleaser might very well have a point. If they also feel silly, it could deter them from attempting to address the issue again. And so, the people pleaser is free to continue their destructive ways.

Resenting and Blame Shifting

At some point, people pleasers will start to resent their manager and teammates, even though they brought the extra workload on themselves. When this inevitably happens, these employees could become short tempered, snap at their colleagues, talk behind their backs and even shift the blame by claiming that they did not ask for the additional work.

These negative behaviors can cause a significant amount of friction with teammates, with cracks in the team’s bonds appearing as a result. Over time, the cracks can become craters that split the team into warring factions.

EFFECTIVE WAYS TO SOLVE THE PEOPLE-PLEASING PROBLEM

With half of survey respondents revealing themselves as people pleasers, leaders will have at least a couple of these folks as employees at some point. You must be proactive in dealing with them before the problem gets out of hand and begins to erode relationships between team members.

Determine How Problematic the Employee Is

Naturally, not every people pleaser is the same, despite sharing commonalities. Some employees who fall into this category are aware of the issue and are actively working on it. Others might have no self-awareness at all. And then there are the folks who are in the middle somewhere. It is safe to say that you should focus mostly on people pleasers who are not working on self-improvement.

How much impact the employee makes on teammates is another consideration. Are they creating a serious rift or does their behavior only impact one or two of their coworkers? Both scenarios should be addressed at some point, but addressing the former one first is recommended.

Teach Them How to Set Boundaries

Once you have identified a high priority people pleaser, sit down one-on-one with them and have a serious talk about setting healthy boundaries. The employee might not understand that setting boundaries does not mean they are letting down their teammates or management.

Explain to them that doing so is a perfectly fair and reasonable course of action – and that, in fact, it is better than letting coworkers take advantage of them or willingly taking on too much. And give them the reasons why it is better. For example:

  • If you overpromise, you will disappoint or frustrate people when you cannot deliver.
  • Becoming burned out can lead to costly mistakes and falling short of doing your best work.
  • By taking on more work than your role entails, you rob teammates of the chance to make their own valuable contributions.

When you frame people pleasing in this way, you demonstrate to the people pleaser why resisting their emotional need to make others happy is a positive rather than a negative.

Monitor Their Workload for Extra Tasks

It takes most people a while to change bad habits, which means the people pleaser could easily fall back into bad habits after your conversation. This is why monitoring how much work they do afterwards is essential. Do not make it obvious you are doing so, because that could place more pressure on the employee. Instead, observe the situation quietly.

If you discover that they are still doing extra work, covertly pull them aside and ask why they took on those tasks. Once they have answered your question, calmly talk to them again about the reasons why doing so is not a good idea.

Do not get discouraged if you have to repeat this pattern. Remember, making real change takes time and deeply ingrained habits are not easy to break.

PRO TIP: Extra workloads aren’t the only measurement of a people pleaser’s progress. For example, consider if they are able to follow through on commitments such as meeting more timelines, or if there are fewer last minute requests for assistance.

Give Them Positive Reinforcement for Making Progress

Now for the fun part! When you notice that a people pleaser has been making progress, even if it is just a little, give them positive reinforcement. This could mean anything from praising them verbally to promoting them. If they make a complete turnaround and become one of your top performers, you might even consider sending them on a trip as their reward. That would certainly make a lasting impression!

By providing positive reinforcement, regardless of the form it takes, you highlight a strong correlation between the employee working on their people-pleasing tendencies and an outcome that makes them happy.

LESS PEOPLE-PLEASING = MORE GRATIFICATION AND TEAMWORK

At the end of the day, the emotional need to please is a hole that people pleasers will never be able to fill; it is not an enjoyable way of life for them or for their teammates. When you help guide these employees away from their destructive tendencies and demonstrate how good it can feel to set healthy boundaries, you will see less people pleasing, more gratification and a solid team unit.

 

Are you in the process of setting up a travel incentive program to reward employees for working as a team? If so, contact Gavel International for more information about our travel incentive programs.

 

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SOURCE(S):

1 https://docs.cdn.yougov.com/0ydtml7qpm/toplines_People-Pleasing_20220718.pdf

2 https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/people%20pleaser

Jeff Richards
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